what are your motives?

If no one thanks you or appreciates you for effort you’ve put into something, that’s not ultimately important, is it?

If you’re upset when no one notices the “nice things” you do, most likely you didn’t have the right motives for doing them in the first place.

If we do everything for God, then we won’t be looking to everyone else for thanks and adoration and affirmation.

My thoughts ramble a lot. I was going to write them in paragraph form, but it wasn't working. So here, more poetry.

-----------------------------------

Seconds
are precious
More as I
grow older now.

Minutes
spent walking
under the shade
Churchbell sounding.

Hours
precious, beautiful
where I met you and
you and you.

Days
are changing
We are all older now
Life is not the same.

Months
go by
I fear change, I fear
the ones I love leaving.

“Fear not,” He says.

Why is change hard?
If I want control, why?
I make mistakes.

Why is change hard?
This is comfortable.
But if life never changed,
So much would be missing.

Why is change hard?
Maybe because if
this is taken away
all I will have are the
memories.

Years
slipping away
leaving behind a trail
of beauty and tears
Do not fear

He knows best
and I will rest
in His love,

unfailing,

Unchangeable.

miracle.

damp air and city traffic
feet touching the grass
rhythm of a creaking swing
and weeping willow branches
drifting in the breeze
words of gravity, sorrow
silently seeking answers
in my mind
and finding none
hoping you found comfort
with your hand in mine

face down
pain in my heart
head in my hands and
lying on the floor
pleading, begging, please
how many times I asked
I don’t remember

then

such happiness, excitement
maybe, maybe, maybe
hoping
your playing was holding back a grin
my mind held back assumptions
but I was right
everyone around me cheered but
I could only choke on tears of wonder
sobbing thankful joy
amazement,
miracle

waiting
knowing you would come
we met almost running
spinning around
happiest day
too glad for words

but

scared
desperate for help
for prayers
desperate for everything
to be okay
nothing was right
worried doubts, fears
tears just by trying to talk
and choked with despair
the end, the end

but it was alright

waiting
longest day
apprehensive heart beat
biggest smile
no one would understand
then her beautiful name
overwhelming joy
again

inside the hospital
followed you upstairs
past smiling nurses
anticipation
you opened the door
something
someone in your arms
her mouth open in sleep
mine was parted in wonder
you asked who wanted
to hold her
cut off your question in eagerness
I do
so light, so perfect
I held her in my arms and smiled
and tried
but not very hard
not to cry
she opened her eyes and squinted
and I laughed and watched her
holding the moment
and putting it away in my heart
to save
forever


(Happy first birthday.)

broken hopes

this ache

choking

never leaves

can I ever be

perfectly happy

again?

this ache

dull, tired

so tired from these

broken hopes

broken so small

but they’ll break again.